Paradox of my I
by Kyishurie13
Summary: A little mind of Emily and her depression after two years that his whole family died and she was left by his girlfriend.
1. Epilogue

**Hey, this is the first fic I write, so please be nice to me ok? is supposed to be something short, but who knows my creativity decides to give more story? Send a comment with what you think!**

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Epilogue

I've lost count of how many times they came to visit me . They say it's to see if I 'm right , but in truth I know is to check if I really killed myself . I feel guilty for not valuing the only people who care about me now, but I just can not speak, or act . Even though my head is full of thoughts , they do not leave . Prefer torturing me inside, ripping and burning me . I can not feel them literally, but it's the same feeling of despair , consuming me . I do not know if you take any more .

I turned the spectator of my own life since it began . It is as if I were a third person watching this shit unfold in front of me and could not do anything , did not have the strength to change it .

I was already bored of hearing the same phrases .

_ You need to leave .

_ Are you better?

_ How do you feel ?

And after some time without answering , they stopped asking . Effy always sits next to me and watched TV . She also does not speak , and I 'm grateful for that . She always hugs me and I always sleep . Cook always comes talking too . He brings beer and cookies , and then I can get drunk and think that this is all a big daydream. Usually gets worse when I wake up , but that does not stop me from doing it again .

I have read a lot . Effy brings me books every week , and I devour almost immediately . She brings several issues and maybe if I talked we could talk about them . Then , I think. When I can talk again . I listen to a lot of music , and very high . I'm glad when I can shut the sounds of reality , even if it is killing my eardrums . And most of the time I just keep wandering from one room to another.

I no longer cry anymore . It was hard the first few weeks , but then I stopped . The medication helped , but partly because it was no use , no matter how much I cry , the pain does not go out with tears , and not diminished . I feel like there's a hole inside of me , and maybe it does not close . I have hopes that he quit one day.

I remember enjoying singing. I sang a lot. I miss singing , so I sing in my head . I like to do many things . Now I just like to sit by the window watching the movement of the cars down there . Nobody knows this , but when it rains , I open the window just a bit and let the drops fall on me . And then , this is the only time I can feel alive .


	2. Chapter 1

**Yeah, that's the first chapter. and I wanted to apologize for the errors present. actually I'm Brazilian and google translator Usso to move the story into English. : (I hope it to understand what I intend to pass you. Emfim, comes to fill the tack. Enjoy and do not forget to tell what you think!**

1

(Two years after the prologue.)

I know this is wrong . I know that it's psychopathic how I delude myself and I can not feel bad about it . I do not even know why I still see it, and the main reason for me to accept that kind of relationship with her would be to feel something, and now I feel just being a piece of human garbage .  
Effy and Cook stopped coming . I knew that one day cansariam me, and I do not blame them , after all, they already have their own problems to deal with. But I stifled by the lack of the two , especially Effy . I still can not speak, but that does not stop me from going out that night rain . Not prevented me from ending up in a strange club , and drug me longer feel my head . And yet , I felt nothing . There was no point to anything.  
Maybe I was anyway , maybe I had become a part of myself rambling , unlike myself . Because no matter how much I feel lack of Mandy , I pushed her away . As much as I wanted to be alone , ended up in bed with Cris . As much as I wanted someone to love me now , was a married woman . As much as I wanted to talk , I could not . And I do not know if I could so soon .  
I never asked her to come , and also did not ask her to stay. I do not speak , and she respects that. She talks a lot , and it annoys me .  
I left her at home and go out to buy cigarettes , my newest addiction. And to think I 've done talks about not smoking . Hardly knew how to smoke nicotine could bring me so much peace of mind . I know that I have become everything I swore to myself I would not . But I do not care , because nothing I do can hurt me . Not even remorse .  
I got to the point of not liking the sun , with all that glow radiating happiness. With all those people laughing around me seem to be mocking me . Rather cloudy and rainy days , where nobody bothers to laugh , or pay attention to me , a shadow stumbling down the sidewalk . In those days , I like to hide in the library . Specifically on the couch near the window where I can smoke and read at the same time , and how far , I can plug my headphones at maximum volume , and still see the view of the rain and the day outside. I do not care if Cris ETA waiting for me or not .  
I no longer need to present my card , as I almost live there. I'll walk down the aisle passing a hand over wallpaper red suede . It's a great feeling and distracts me from the eyes of the few people who are here . I'm almost there . 10 more steps .  
7 .  
4 .  
2 .  
Wait.  
What is that ?


	3. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, sorry for the delay. I just thought that no one wanted to read this little piece of shit ... but you know what? I'll post anyway. :)**

**PS.: Remembering that I am Brazilian and I story into English by google translator. if you have something wrong, it's all his fault.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own skins, but if it were mine, would make a great relationship with emily, effy, naomi and me.**

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2

Is hair. Very blond .

It is a woman .

A woman sitting in my seat .

Okay , I can just sit there , it's a two-seater sofa , for God's sake .

Just a few more steps to get . I sit down beside her , putting his feet on the couch and open the last volume of the trilogy of games voracious . She is , as I tend to be , listening to music and reading . Not only is smoking . She did not bother to look at me when I'm grateful . How is she destraida , I can look at it for real . Hair in loose wavy locks , Jeans and sueater too big for her . She is thin , very thin , and maintains a look of apathy. Just as I should be , I think . I find myself curious as to what goes on in the head of this woman . Ironic that the sadness of someone else captivates me , but I am comforted to think I'm not the only person in the world desolate .

It's been half an hour I 'm on the same page , and I can not concentrate , my head full of thoughts . This woman bugs me , but I do not know why. She is very quiet , unlike other people who have been around me . She reminds me of Effy . Without it anymore , get up there and go out the door , unable to avoid a snort of dissatisfaction when the eye one last time , and as if reading my mind , she looks at me too. And that's when I finally can see your face completely . She is very beautiful , but what really amazes me is his eyes : From a purer blue and clear that I could ever witness . It is breathtaking to load feelings they seem to carry , because , after all , she has a sad countenance . One that only those who have been in horrible places of his own mind may appear .

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Today is exactly one month does not leave the house . I still can not understand why I have all these dreams with the girl from the library. S'always very confusing , but always ends with those eyes , that sad face looking at me . I can feel his despair , and try to understand why. This is the part I always wake up, and then I got your picture in my head the rest of the day . I'm more than ever now, and have got to lock myself in the house to keep me from running there and ask her everything.

Cris has been gone a while , but I 'm still naked , her head resting near a crack in the window , being illuminated by the moonlight , feeling weak start dripping rain on my skin . The smoke rises into the air , and I find myself poking it with a cigarette . I should not have her sent away like that stupid, but I could not control myself . I just wanted to be alone . It's hard to believe how much I 'm still scared .

I never got to have an orgasm with Cris . Not because she was bad in bed or something , but I could not feel anything . And today , concentrating to try to help her , came the image of the girl in the head of the library . I do not understand why this happened , because I did not think of it this way, but when I realized she was there , in the place of Christ . I could not control my thoughts , and so I figured that would be his hands on me and it made me squirm . I pulled her hair and held it there , figuring it would be that blonde hair and extremely beautiful, and it would be his thin lips and pink in my body . A part of me thought how ridiculous I moaned incoherently and took pleasure in it, and I almost forced myself to stop. But when I remember those eyes staring at me intensely , burning me up inside , knowing me and challenging , happened .

Was strong , intense and completely disarmed me , more than anything I 've felt , even with Mandy . I felt the tears falling profusely down my face as I tried recover my breath , and it terrified me . Cris almost kicked out, he left without understanding anything , but with a huge smile on his face . Bastard . Then I lay down and cried , all that had not cried in years .

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**So, like it? some criticism? Expectations? Please, I'm almost begging, let me know what they are thinking?**


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